Funny I think

Alright so while I wasat work doing feul line my creative energy was at high level and I said when I get home this bulletin will make people laugh so I'm gonna try to get this going.My first memory I was 4. It was my birthday I remember my parents got me this huge spider and I was affraid of this fucking thing. My brother thought it was the coolest and I remember from tapes and my personal memory that I sat on the couch next to my mom keeping my feet away from it. Lets fast foward to some entertaining shit.The family gets it's first dog. We were walking around the mall and this guy was walking around with a black lab and I was lke oh I want it. He offered it to my parents for free he just had to get rid of it. They said no the first time but when he came back the second time they broke down and took it. Well a week later I was in the hospital cause my asthma got so bad from all the pet dander and shit. My kindergarton made me a card signed by a bunch of people saying get better. This is when i learned that needles will never bother me in my life. Not much entertainment in this one either.Joshua Brant gets an alergy check. My mom and dad took me to the hospital to see what shit I was alergic to. My dad worked up in Philly so we rode up with him. I met the doctor and some hot assistant had me lay on my stomach and she used my back as an allergy test. This was the closest I ever came to crying from a doctor test. Not much entertainment here either.Alright so after some tests in my school they realized I'm not like the others I'm a stupid kid and needs special calsses. This was the coolest shit ever. I went into a special class. I had one teacher his name was MR.D. Well he had a really hard last name and I can't spell it but he was cool. Anyway I'm still stupid today so I guess the class didn't do me much good.Sorry your gonna have a small penis for life. I went for an asthma check up and I was like 15 but still 5 foot nothing. I was starting to get upset from this I wanted to atleast be 6 foot so I could fight my older brother and not get my ass kicked. Anyway my mom asked the doctor if I was going to grow. He told me to take off my pants and and underwear. At that point it was tighty whities so I did so. He saw that I had pubes and he kinda laughed at my small penis. He told my mom and me that I might grow a few more inches but more than likley I will be a midget for life. So my football career was shot at this point.I cum for the first time. My family went to a dinner. They took my brother with them so I was home alone. My older brother told me about jerking off but I never wanted to. So I was talking to Laurel on the phone and sitting on my couch. I always had my hands down my pants since I was like 3. I would walk around and have a hand down my pants cupping my balls and enjoying this extension of my body. As normal I hand down my pants and I was talking to her. Well it felt good and I kinda started stroking myself. A few seconds later I had came and had a wet spot in my tighty whities. What followed sucked. I had a boner that would not go away. I pissed out back and my dick stayed hard. I beat off again cause it felt good and my dick stayed hard. I was the worst boner I ever had. Even when my family got home I still had a hard on. Lucky for me I was blessed with a small penis so they didn't realize I was walking around with a hard on from hell. Ever since that day I have been hooked. I made jerking off a game. One day I decided to see how many times I could jerk off. I think I got to like 15 before my penis started to hurt and I figured I better stop beating off before my dick turns to leather.Some other shit happens in my life and thie chick who sat with me at my bus stop was kinda cute. Me and her kissed when I was in grade school and we dated but since I had no ide how to fuck a pussy we never did anything but kissed and I kinda felt her up. Well we stopped talking and when I saw her again at my bus stop she had grown breasts and I mean a nice rack. I always thought if I try something we can go in the woods and fuck. Never so lucky I just had a few wet dreams about her and even when I talked dirty to her she just kinda laughed about it.I hit the curtain. So I learned what shooting my load was and I was hooked. The longer I jerked off the higher it went and it felt better. My parents got a satalite dish and we didn't pay for cable. A black box shall we say and I'm not talking about black girls. With this we got porn channels. No sound but hey porn was porn I enjoyed the fuck out of it. So once again I'm home alone I cut school and I was beating off to porn off the dish. Well I always liked to cum to a hot chick. Who knows how long I was beating off for but I finally cum and I hear something hit above me. I look down at my cock and see there is not a real big mess there. I was like where the fuck is my load. I stad up and turn and see my load on the curtain. I try to wipe it away but no such luck. It wasn't a big spot so I hoped my parents wouldn't see it. I spent the rest of the day beating off a few more times and hoping my parents wouldn't see my DNA on the curtain. My dad comes hom and I'm like hey dad. The first thing he says is "Who the hell shot their load on th curtain?" I respond quickly "Earl did it." (Earl is my older brother) Till the day we moved out my DNA remained on that curtain.I get a lap dance. Laurel calls me up and says come over. Her friend Susie was down and my god I had the hots for this chick. Laurel was hot also but Susie had tits and I enjoyed looking at them. Anyway it was like 10 at night and I ran down to Laurels house. I get there and Ryan was there a neighbor of theirs and Susie and Laurel were dancing to Britney Spears Hit me baby one more time. I shoot the shit with Ryan and Danny (Laurels brother and my best friend since kindergarton) Laurel calls me and Ryan down to her room. We go in there and she closes the door she hands us each a dollar and says you can tip us. Well I got my fist lap dance and that dollar went to places I had never touched before. Down Laurels pants and down Susies top. I enjoyed that night. Didn't get my dick wet but it let Laurel and Susie know I wasn't working with a big dick which is probally why I never fucked them.I moved to Arizona when I was 16 and there went my friends. This sucked but it was the best thing my parents could've done.I just got hired at America West Airlines and I was supposed to be in bed cause I had training in the morning but I said fuck that. I picked up Devon and Tim from their houses I had my truck and we went down to the park to shoot some hoops. Well there was a hot chick there I can't remember her name but Tim liked her and she was cute. Well it after shooting some hoops and sweating our asses off it was time to go. I went down the street and flipped a bitch. I was driving Tim was in the middle and Devon was in the passanger seat. I was going to fast and wrecked. I used the steering wheel as a face stopper and knocked out two of my teeth. One of them being my front one. With that I think any confidence I had before I lost with that front tooth. I wake up to them smell of gasoline and I realized I just fucked up huge. Devon was running around to the neighbors house to get help. Tim was stuck in the truck he couldn't get his foot free of the gear shifter. Well I get taken to the hospital and the nurse says we need to give you a catheter. I tell the nurse not to laugh at me. She asked my why and I said cause I have a small dick. She said not to worry. Call it bad timing but as I'm getting my catheter inserted my Mom entered and I was screaming fuck. Good times and later on that night I was kept for observation my mom sat on the bed with me and kinda pulled on my catheter.The man the myth the legend Shaggy is born. After returning to America West after my accident I started training over again with a new class. Well I had semi long hair and a patch on my chin that made me look a little like Shaggy. Missy one of my class mates said we'll call you Shaggy andd after I started working on the ramp she crossed out my name and wrote "Shaggy". The monster was born and I have been going by Shaggy ever since.I met this guy named Allen at my job and he was cool. I also met BP and Sevy by getting to know Allen. Well Madden 03 I think was just realesed and Allen says hey come to BP's were having a Madden party. Alright I'll show up. My friend and future room mate Kingman picked me up and I was ready to go party. Now I told my parents I was never going to drink or smoke weed in my entire life. Boy I couldn't be more wrong. I was saying that shit to them since I was like 7. So we get to BP's house and beer is flowing and I'm not drinking. BP sees my hands are empty and he hands me a beer. I open it and hear the sweet sound. Well I got drunk for my very first time that night, and Kingman got plastered. He threw up in the back yard of BP's house and passed out by the toilet. Oh it was fun. Ever since then I have had a beer in my hand, and while they haveall moved onto better things I'm still living the joy of a ramper.Sorry son you have a small dick and you cum to quick. Sounds like a song. After going pussyless for 18 years I finally got to beat some pussy up. How we met you ask. Her daughter sent me a message. She had the wrong number. I tried to keep talking but her daughter shut me down. A few days later I was at work and bored so I sent a message to this unknown person I get her mom. We talk and shoot the shit a week later I meet Vivian and we go to the movies. I made my brother feel like a 3rd wheel by the end of the movie and on the car ride home I was making out with Vivian. It was thanksgiving or right around then. We dropped her off at her house and Earl said we would come pick her back up after dinner and he'll drop us off at my apartment. We pick her back up and Earl drops us off. My room mates weren't home and we enterted my bedroom. We make out for an hour or 2 and Vivian said we need to stop if we don't want to go any further. So she lays down next to me and we try to sleep. Thank you room mates for coming home drunk. Kingman and Pete come up the stairs they are both drunk. Kandice doesn't want to drive cause she was a cunt so they knock on my door and ask me to take them down to walmart to get some booze. I say I will be happy to. Vivian meets my room mates and we all go down to walyworld. Vivian asks for a 6 pack of some shit and we go back to the apartment and start drinking and playing board games. After a shot I vomit on myself mostly and a little in the sink. Vivain tells me to take a shower and as I'm doing so she enters the bath room to check up on me. She opens the shower door and kisses me. I believe she whispered in my ear "I want to fuck you." I wanted to fuck her and get my dick it's first taste of pussy. She leaves the room and I finish getting the vomit off of me. Well it was approaching 5 in the morning before we started to say hey we should go to bed. We enter my room and as us drunks made out one thing led to another and soon I was strapping up my soldier for his first dive into a vigina. Well I fucked her and I lasted about 30 seconds before I came. Lucky for me and her my dick is ready for another round in no time but it wasn't any better for her. Once again I came pretty quick but I think I managed to last long enough to make her cum but she might have faked it. Anyway I learned that night I wasn't blessed with a big dick and I was a premature ejackulator. Oh Shaggy your going to make a girl very unhappy one day.The accident. I was working alot of hours enjoying the fuck out of helping my parents with the bills around the house. So August 18th 2007 I was headed into work about 4:45 in the morning. It was my last double before my vacation and I was going to dog sit for some friends of mine. They were going to stock their fridge with beer for me. I was looking foward to this. It was like my bliss after busting my ass. So I have my system up and I was listening to this CD camel mailed to me. My windows were down and I was rocking out. UP ahead there was an accident and flairs telling me to get over. I look and switch lanes out of the HOV lane. Well I guess I didn't look good enough cause next thing I know I hear tires screeching and when I come to and my truck is stopped. I try to open my door but have no luck so I crawl out my window and some dude is running up to me. I was pretty calm and i asked the dude what happened. I flipped from the fast lane all the way over to the slow lane most of my truck sat on the side of the freeway. I was fucking awesome and I wish there was video of it. I would love to see that shit. This is when I gave up in god. I was doing good in life and then this shit happened so I said fuck God. I also said fuck Jesus on Christmas day but who gives a fuck.So what else will make you guys laugh. I'm pretty hung over and drinking a beer. So what it's only 3:30 in the afternoon. Go fuck yourself if you judge me. NOFX show tonight but down think I'm going I wanna make it to Allen and Kara's so who wants to give me a ride to the west valley?? Well most of this sucked but there were a few funny parts so I hope I kina lightened up your mood. Not as good as the pissing on Tonys cat bulletin but hey I can't always do shit like that. If I used your name and you didn't want me to I'm sorry. Vivian and Beth I'm sorry to both of you cause you guys let me fuck you and I'm no fucking big dick great fuck so any mispleasure I caused you I'm sorry. I tried to lick your pussy good to make up for it but I think I suck at that too. Well I'm gonna beat off to internet porn I think and pass out again. Have a good rest of your weekend.